My birthday is this Sunday, and I will be 62 years old.

I'm probably the most content that I have ever been.

And that is in the midst of a very real and deadly viral pandemic and radical racial reawakening.

My life has not been perfect.

I have hurt people by my actions, and my mouth has been mean and cutting.

I have judged and been judged, ridiculed, and hated.

I have lived in fear and trusted people who didn't deserve my trust.

And I have looked for love in all the wrong places.

And through it all I have been loved unconditionally.

And I was so privileged.

I never went to bed hungry.

I always had decent clothes to wear, and a coat in winter.

I had vacations every summer.

I had Christmas and birthday gifts every year.

I had a bicycle to ride, swimsuit in the summer, and summer camp every year I wanted to go.

I got to participate in Camp Fire Girls.

I went to church every Sunday.

I was given dance lessons and a musical instrument to learn.

I was also taught that words and actions are not always congruent.

I have been abused and molested.

I was taught to react in anger and to be selfish.

I was taught to discipline with my hands.

I was told what my talents were and were not.

I lived with chronic depression and was suicidal.

I was given a mold to fit into.

And I have lost; first my compass, then my favorite person of all time, and then my flesh and blood example of the loving father.

And so now through it all I have come to some important conclusions.

It doesn't matter what happens to you, but what you make of yourself.

It doesn't matter what you were taught, but what you teach and show by example.

It doesn't matter what you were told, but what you believe.

It doesn't matter what mold you were given, but what example you follow.

And above all, love with all you have and with all you do.

When I concentrate on love, not on my past mistakes or scars, when I set my intention on love, I see the world differently.

Those things that brought me to rage and bitter anger I can look at more objectively.

I see that people are all formed by their own pasts and experiences.

Some are uneducated and ignorant.

And I understand that I can't change anyone but myself. 

I can only be responsible for my own behavior and beliefs.

And that I have to continue to work on every aspect of myself in order to become the whole being I was created to be.

None of these things is rocket science.

Perhaps it's odd to think it has taken me 62 years to reach these conclusions.

Life can get in the way of logical thinking and spiritual and emotional growth.

There are times when survival is all one can do. 

I'm finding now, that when I get to a point of survival I can hasten my positive outcome by simply breathing.

My brain works with oxygen.

When I get scared or angry I get tense.

That makes my muscles tighten, slows my breathing, and makes my lung capacity smaller.

And that gives me less oxygen to process information and think logically.

With all my years of nursing I should have come to that understanding long ago.

All the information was stored in my brain.

All I need was time and space to be able to access it.

Our brains are computers.

All the information is there, but it's like a search engine.

If you don't know what to ask, you won't get the proper information.

If you can't supply the oxygen to open the pathways to recall all you get in your present day stress and anxiety.

I think learning to paint gave me time to quiet my mind.

In using my hands to recreate what my eyes saw I was able teach myself a new way to look at the world.

I was able to teach myself to control my emotions and to access my creativity to lighten my mood and decrease my stress.

Through practice  and time I can now produce artwork that shows my emotions, giving me another avenue to release them.

I hope is that my emotional based art can help others access their own emotions.

Emotions aren't bad.

Even the darker emotions are there for a reason.

Bottling them up or stuffing them down doesn't make them go away or lessen them in any way.

On the contrary, that results in mental, emotional, and physical consequences that can be life altering.

So I recommend looking back over your life with love and compassion.

I ask forgiveness for those things I've done out of selfishness and ignorance.

And I am determined to live better and make a difference on those who cross my path in the days to come.

And I pray that the art I offer will be a source of love, strength, and hope as long as it is out in the world.