I became overcome by emotion yesterday as I started my work day.

It seemed that everywhere I looked was ager, destruction, and death.

People I know and don't know- it seemed all were suffering.

The tears flowed, and my heart was heavy.

I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't complete the items on my list.

I felt powerless and useless.

I managed to pick myself up enough to think about how to provide dinner, to finish a couple of paintings I'd been working on, and to show up for the class I signed up for.

But I didn't finish my work for the class.

I turned in an uncompleted assignment for the very first time in my life.

All through my school years, my assignments were completed, typed, and on my desk the day before the due date.

I couldn't imagine failure.

I only received one C in my whole life, and I remember telling my Dad That I got a C in my History class in college.

History was his favorite class, and I thought I had let him down.

But he told me, " So you're average, what's wrong with that?"

I feel like the world is pushing in on me right now.

I haven't done my taxes yet, and they are difficult for me to do.

Because I live off my retirement accounts there is lots of paperwork, and just thinking about doing math and dealing with money makes me break out in a sweat.

Two of my grandkids are busy with baseball and I really want to be there to cheer them on.

I'm helping at my granddaughter's school with an art project and auction.

And my turn to be the featured artist at the gallery is looming...

Owning a small business is a continuing learning process of marketing, creating, producing, and moving forward,

I'm an empathetic person.

I feel others pain.

I feel their rage.

I feel their hopelessness.

I feel their grief.

I feel their fear.

There is a long history of alcoholism in my family.

I remember when I was in junior high, my great grandmother was at the end of her life, and one of her daughters was taking care of her in California. There was a discussion about how the Doctor prescribed only 1 drink of alcohol for her daily, and how angry she was.

Another time when I was in college, I went with my mom to have lunch at Grandma's house. She offered us a glass of wine. My mother's response was, "It's only noon! I'm not an alcoholic." Each time I was invited to my parents house for dinner, at the stroke of 5 pm, my Mom would look at my Dad and say, "It's 5 o'clock!"  That meant she was ready for her pre dinner beverage. And then a couple of years ago I went to my mom's to deliver some cards she had ordered. It was a little after noon and she asked if I'd like a drink, telling me she was on her second. 

I have a history of depression.

At one time I was medicated with 3 different antidepressant and anti anxiety medications in an effort to continue to function.

Alcohol is a depressant. 

I am happy to say that I haven't needed my medications for more than 4 years, and that over the past 2 years I have reduced my alcohol consumption to almost nothing.

I found that I don't like how I feel when I drink alcohol.

It makes me emotional and fuzzy, and I tend to get critical of myself- and that's just with one glass of wine.

I have nothing against alcohol, I enjoy the taste, but because of how it makes me feel I chose to avoid it most of the time.

This is a lot of rambling about my psyche, that perhaps you don't care about.

I guess I'm working through this onslaught of emotion I haven't felt in a long time.

Sometimes, despite my faith that God is watching out for me and every single person on this earth, life just seems crappy.

It appears that everyone is having to deal with the sewage of life all at once.

That a whole nation of people are being persecuted and murdered because of one man's fear of inadequacy. 

And sometimes I'm just plain tired of trying to provide for my household all by myself, of having no one's shoulder to cry on and no arms to hold me.

That's pathetic!

It's time to take a deep breath and let go of all the garbage that is running through my brain.

That's what happens when I pick a word of the week.

I get to deal with the reason I chose it up close and personally.

My word of the week has been, "Let It Go."

Ok.

Message received.

Pulling up my big girl panties and going to move on with my life.

Better things are coming for all of us.

This is the shadow before the sunrise, the climb before the summit, and the hunger before the feast.

I send you peace, and love, and hope.