I don't like change.

I don't like change of any kind.

I would rather not have to change the brands of my groceries.

When I work at the gallery I want to be able to follow the same procedures and have all the same supplies available.

When I run out of my painting supplies I want to be able to reorder the same brand and color.

I want to be able to order the same mats and plastic sleeves, the same cards and their cellophane sleeves.

When I have prints made I want the same paper used for printing and the same finish available.

I use the same brand of toothpaste.

I go to the same gas station.

When my computer broke I wanted the same model for a replacement.

I do my laundry every Sunday.

I have the same routine every morning.

When I am done with it I brush my teeth and make my bed.

I have lunch at about the same time each day and begin to make dinner precisely at 5 pm.

Perhaps this is boring.

I am more peaceful with routine.

When something changes I feel uncertainty.

I immediately begin to plan how to make the situation right. 

Things as simple as group meetings on zoom can be a source of anxiety.

Yesterday I struggled with the simplest of change.

A new member joined our group.

And it was a person I knew already.

But it was change. 

And this group allows me to process my past.

Some wounds are raw, and very personal.

So my heart rate increased and I had difficulty relaxing.

By the time I went to bed I was considering not returning.

Not because I don't like the person, I like what I know about them.

It's all about my own trust and vulnerability.

And it occurs to me that I can't live this way.

I make art that is all about my journey of healing.

Each painting holds a piece of my soul.

That's why I get gutted when my mother voices her opinions of the subjects I should paint instead.

When she looks at a painting with a wrinkled brow and turned up nose.

When she hands me a card with stick figures on it and says she thinks I can do something like that.

In my head I believe that I am painting meaningful work.

I know that many people respect my work in both painting and writing.

I know that people even like my work and pay money for it.

And I know that all people have different tastes and understanding of art.

I myself don't appreciate some forms of music, writing, and artwork.

I appreciate the hard work and effort that goes into all forms of art.

It's a difficult way to make a living.

It's vulnerable.

It's personal.

I have more healing work to do.

I look forward to the time when I can believe that I am just fine the way I am.

When I can honor my need for safety and trust my judgements.

When I can believe that not only is everyone entitled to their opinion, but that my self worth isn't dependent on that opinion.

That I will not break.

That when a person agrees to honor a request to keep information to themselves they intend to do it.

And if they choose to do differently it will not destroy me.

I the meantime I will continue to paint what I am inspired to.

I will continue to write and hope to encourage others.

I will honor my beliefs, fears, and thoughts.

And I will continue to work toward flexibility and faith that all things work out as they should.

Change can be good.

Change can help me learn and grow.