This week, my word to focus on was confidence.

In order to have confidence, I need to know who I am, what I value, and what I believe in.

Only when I know my foundation, can I have any hope of success.

I am self employed, so I need to be able to motivate myself.

Often, I sit down to read while I eat my lunch, and I get caught up in the mystery, suspense, or romance. It becomes much more enjoyable than working on my website, a painting, or an essay.

It’s a good thing that I spend each morning on my prayers and Bible study, followed by daily social media posts and financial/budget entry and accountability. Otherwise I might waste the whole day.

However, I see my creativity as the work God has given me to do. This is my truth. I clearly heard him say, “Paint light.” Now if you look at my paintings you might say, “They aren’t all about light.”  This is true to a certain extent.

Light can be noticeable when the sun is part of the composition, when there is a contrast with shadow, or in the night sky with the moon and stars.

Light can be seen in the reflection of an eye, in the difference of colors in an abstract, and perhaps in the feeling you experience when looking at a particular painting.

May I also suggest that light can be experienced in the written word. Last week I wrote about  light is an illumination of the truth, as purity as opposed to darkness. I also explored light as goodness, and darkness being evil.

I also see light as truth itself. Light  illuminates making the shadows of lies more obvious. 

So if my work is to focus on light, that is a priority. I value my relationship with God, so I also take the work he has given me seriously. 

I have always been a fairly serious person. I work really hard to make everyone around me happy. I would rather die than get into trouble or disappoint anyone. When I was encouraged to paint abstracts and became pretty good at it, I struggled. That was because many people want images to fit into a particular category. They want to look at a painting and recognize it, then they can judge how true to life it is. But abstract doesn’t allow them to do that. It makes them uncomfortable. So they don’t know what to say. I’m left wondering what they are thinking and sometimes believing I did it wrong.

I’m no longer a child, and it’s time I get over my desperation for positive reinforcement. I need to acknowledge that I am continuing to do my best in following where I believe God is leading me. It’s when I struggle that I allow myself to disappear into the pages of a book. I can temporarily forget my insecurities and become invested in the characters and their troubles. And the best part is that in the end everything works out well. The heroine is saved before the murderer kills her, the guy gets the girl, and they all live happily ever after.

Real life will also work out in the end. But only when I do the work. The hardest part of being self employed is that there are no rules and laws regulating my behavior. There is no quarterly evaluation that upon successful completion will result in a pay raise. Heck, there isn’t even a steady paycheck. 

For people like me who are a bit hard on themselves, it can be difficult to keep working with little or no financial gain. What I can do is look back at my earliest work and see how far I have come. I can be my best cheerleader instead of my worst critic. 

I need to measure my success by whether my thoughts, actions, and words are in line with my values, priorities, and truths. 

So what are those?

My faith and religion are first and foremost. That is why I begin my day with prayer and Bible study. I knew that when I take care of those first I will always have time and energy for it. Beginning with what is most important sets my day up for success.

I have no need to be rich. I would love to have enough income to cover my monthly bills instead of depending on my dwindling retirement account. That would be ideal. I continually remind myself of this verse in Philippians 4:19 “And my God will meet all my needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.”

My children and grandchildren are hugely important to me. I will do everything in my power to love, support, encourage, and spend time with them. My sister in law and niece are also my family. I would love to see and spend more time with them. They don’t live near, so every time we can be together is special.

When I struggle to paint, I know that my emotions are getting in the way. That’s when I need to stick to a schedule of being in my studio each weekday at 2 pm. I don’t force myself to create a painting, but I do get the paint wet, choose a color and apply it to some paper. And I try to remember these words in Philippians 4: 13 “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”

I give myself time off on the weekends. My body and mind need time to relax and be able to explore new thoughts and images. 

So I value my faith, my mission, and my family. I make every attempt to balance my work and leisure time. I feel like I’m constantly evaluating my emotional well-being, family, work, and faith. In the end I want to be able to say, “I lived my truth to the best of my ability.”

As a nurse, I know that many physical illnesses happen when the mind and spirit are in conflict. That’s why knowing my values and truths are so important. When I can’t sleep or I lose my appetite it is often because I’m wrestling against what I know is right. I’m having trouble with my priorities and not able to allow God work things out in his time. 

Life was never meant to be easy. As we interact with others, we learn the lessons that are there to teach us how to love and care for each other and the world we have been given to live in. That’s hard work and getting more difficult every day.

Maybe that’s the point? That the more we struggle the more we are given the opportunity to learn from our mistakes and help those around us to see more clearly. Then they can make loving and caring decisions as well. 

Having a strong foundation of values gives me confidence. Confidence increases my chance for success. I’m very grateful I was taught these fundamental concepts at a young age.