*This essay describes the emotional ramifications of sexual abuse and may be triggering for some readers.

Winter might be my least favorite season.

There is endless gray and it’s cold!

My mood is often equal to the number of days the sun shines.

I’m still cleaning up branches that have fallen in the two wind storms we’ve had. I should be glad for that because it makes me get outside and get some exercise. Without that I would be camped out on my couch reading a book. 

I often spend hours escaping into someone else’s life and adventure. I read romantic suspense novels. When their fear and grief is well written, I am able let some of mine go as the tears run down my face. 

I can also dream of happy endings. Of the serendipity of the meeting of two lives and rising above the fear and pain to a better and more complete life experience. Would that small glimpse at the end of the story carry through to a life without challenges? No. That isn’t reality, and no one with emotional scars can totally forget how they got there.

But I am a huge fan of ignoring them and focusing on a life without pain and emotions. 

My mother always said to go do something for someone else, as a way to deal with depression. I think the woman was mistreated. I think she is scarred and has no idea how to love unconditionally. And I think she believes what she says. But as a health professional, I know that buried scars don’t heal, they turn rotten and grow. At some point they will surely explode, and it won’t be pretty. 

Writing about my thoughts and feelings helps me to process them. Logically I know that the memories of physical pain and betrayal won’t totally disappear no matter what I do. Our brain is too powerful for that. 

I think my problem right now is that the memories have been buried for far too long. For years I wasn’t old enough to deal with them in a healthy way. And because I was so young when the first incident happened, some of them are surely distorted. 

Perhaps the grey days feel like the shadows lurking in those memories. Because they aren’t totally clear. They are only glimpses and shadows, and smells. Then memories of nightmares and fear. And I wonder, is that why we moved so far away? Is that why my mother seems so disapproving of anything I do?

Then I get angry. Because I don’t want to be damaged, or unable to live a “normal” life. Unable to have a healthy relationship with a man. And most of all, unable to feel happiness. 

I’d like to be a crusader for other women. Men who rip our security away need to pay an equal price. They are bigger physically, typically able to be more financially secure, and rarely suffer and consequences at all.

 A woman like me is often unable to speak up and put the experience into words. That’s if she is even able to remember exactly what happened. God made our brains powerful. In times of trouble the processing capability shuts down, and we retreat to whatever safe place we can find. We build a thick and impenetrable wall around it.

How can we make men understand what it is like to feel so vulnerable both physically and mentally? To hand over both our bodies and our mental health to them? It is a level of trust I am possibly unable to access any more. 

For decades it has been so buried inside me. I was unable to talk to boys, to look any man in the eye, and to say no when they wanted something physical. I don’t know if physical touch can be an enjoyable experience again. 

One of my favorite memories came from my Dad.  At the end of each church service he stood at the back, greeting everyone as they left. I was always enveloped in his arms with a tight hug as he said, “Hello beautiful.” I felt loved, safe, and incredibly special. No one else ever called me beautiful, and I never thought of myself that way.

My best summers were spent at an all girls camp. I have many memories of friendships, deep conversations, and a common love for nature and singing. I never felt fear. I was never uncomfortable or intimidated.  

So to those Christian people who don’t understand same sex relationships, I want you to consider that humans need love and affection. Many people have been severely damaged both emotionally and physically. While I don’t desire a physical relationship with another woman, I certainly understand those who do. 

I think part of my anxiety right now is because we are giving the ultimate power of this country to a man who has repeatedly been degrading and sexually inappropriate to women. He has influenced many men to believe that they can mistreat women in any way they desire and will never suffer any consequences. 

The man intends to stack his cabinet with like minded individuals. The future for women in this country is uncertain. 

I need to find some sunlight. 

I need to believe in hope. 

And I need to work toward more healing in my brain and my emotions. 

I need to surround myself with strong and positive women. I know that when people of like minds work together they can accomplish amazing things. Women give birth. No man would be able to survive that! 

We are stronger than we have been conditioned to believe. Let’s encourage and support each other as we move into this new leadership. 

We can’t give up now. 

We deserve better.