This week I chose to focus on the word, "Embrace."

My intent was to take each and every moment and allow myself to feel all it had to give me.

Then I intended to let those feelings become part of me and see them as a gift, therefore "embracing" them.

A funny thing happens when you make intentions.

God, the universe, and natural consequences allow you to put to intentions to the test.

I meet weekly on zoom with a group of other women.

We are all creative entrepreneurs who are working with the same business coach.

We have been working through identifying the stumbling blocks in our lives that attempt to stop us from reaching our goals.

Many of those come from events, people, and words from our childhood that became programed into our brains.

So this time, we brought a photo from our childhood.

We looked at it, closed our eyes, and were guided through a mediation/experience of talking and learning from our childhood self.

The photo I've looked at a thousand times with fondness and great memories caused a very different reaction this time.

It opened a wound, brought visceral memory, and emotions poured out of me.

Feelings of betrayal, anger at lost innocence, and an avalanche of realization of the root cause of many poor life decisions.

My guts were exposed and lying on the floor in front of me.

I believe my choice of "Embrace" was brought by the growth and healing I had already done.

Had this experience occurred 6 months ago, I believe I wouldn't have been able to process this response in a healthy way.

The trauma and emotions were long and deeply buried.

Each time in the past when a hint of them has surfaced, I've stuffed them back into their box and turned my back on them.

This time I was able to identify who deserved my anger, the consequences of this persons selfish and evil behavior, and also the fact that the person I am today is a consequence of that experience.

My love and protection of children, my empathy and understanding of their knowledge and reactions at different ages, my respect for their intelligence and ability to understand the world around them, all stems from my betrayal at a very young age.

My fierce support of any person who is experiencing emotional pain or abuse also has roots there.

And my ability to feel and notice a persons emotional state by their expression, and body language rather than their words also comes from my own abuse.

Those are all gifts.

But the gift from my photo that day was the violent reaction I had to it.

My friend told me she was sorry I had been triggered.

I'm not.

It allowed some of the rotting, festering emotions to be released.

It allowed me a deeper understanding of the situation, gave me time to sit with the feelings and take the edge off them.

I know I didn't totally heal that day.

This is a family secret that has been buried over 50 years. 

But each bit of healing is progress.

Each time I acknowledge the experience and allow myself to feel its impact I grow stronger.

That man didn't break me that day.

He tried to steal a piece of my soul, but no one can do that unless I let them.

I am not the only woman who has been betrayed in this way.

There are so many of us out there.

We never talk about it.

Perhaps, like me, you have felt somewhere in the back of your mind that you were abused, but have no real conscious memory of it.

Our minds protect us until we are strong enough to handle the information.

I put myself in a bad situation a few years ago that brought out a flash back to that day.

After that, I began to have nightmares.

Then I began to be able to put some pieces of conversations over the years, pieces of memory that made no sense previously, and gradually more and more came together.

I'm sitting quietly writing, with a sense of sadness, but also acceptance. 

My reality holds pain, but it also holds love and support.

It holds strength and compassion.

It holds bravery, and creativity.

I can embrace, appreciate, and find gifts in all of my past, present, and future.

Life is full of experiences that are both positive and negative.

By embracing all of it I can grow stronger and healthier.

I was put here on this earth for a purpose.

I believe that no matter what happens to me, I am not alone, that I am loved, and that I am supported in that purpose.

I am an emotional painter. 

My emotions are a gift that fuel my creativity and direct my choice of color, stroke, and design.

Today, I am thankful for all those emotions.